Everything will be ok

I was in a domestic violence relationship for five years. I never told anyone for the longest time I didn’t know how to talk about it. I shut so many people out because I was broken hearted, scared, and finally free once he left. I didn’t know how to be free or what to feel about it. It has been three years since he has been out of my life. However everything I went through back then still effects me even now. It seems it never goes away the haunting of being beaten, of being told I will never be good enough for anyone, of being told he wasn’t sorry for any of it, of being told he would come back someday… and worst of all every hand raised as a joke or whatever I flinch as a reflex from what he did to me. What kept me staying with him was I thought that was love I told myself deep down he really loves me he didn’t mean it. After a few years I was scared to leave him so I then convinced myself just ne good please him and maybe he wouldn’t hit me again. Even after he broke up with me he still went in a rage and beat me. After he left I was so shattered and broken I just didn’t know what to do. I self medicated with alchol all day everyday. Until one day I decided to just be sober for a while and face feelings I should have a while back. For about two years I had recurring dreams of him just his face and devil laugh I’d wake up so scared because I had lived alone. Occasionally I get one here and there however I am in a better place to know he cannot find me he cannot hurt me ever again. During the past two years I was touched sexually by two different guys two different situations. I was almost rapped by both of them one laughed in my face told everyone I was lieing when I tried to tell a friend about it. The other had it all planned out a sick pland out plan. My bestfriend found out and he punched him in the face for his sick plan. He never talked to me again after that. Still even those so called little or nothing things I still feel gross and unwanted in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong I love single. However I’d like someday to finally be able to be in a relationship as a relationship should be. All you can do is heal yourself before you can move on and in time the right person will come along. That’s what I’d like you to to understand. Everything will be ok

 

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