He was high so it wasn’t him

The first time we were both really high and he immediately said he was sorry and cried as my eye instantly began to swell shut…..just like he did all the other times….I’m sorry…it won’t happen again…please forgive me…I love you….the worst day of my life was the day I broke your jaw and you were in the hospital for 4 days, covering my ass again…the verbal, mental, physical abuse still plays in my head on a daily basis. Our daughter is messed up from all the fighting and abuse that she had a front row seat to. I’m filing for divorce tomorrow after 15 years of marriage and I’m so afraid that maybe I’m making a mistake, what if I hang on just a little bit longer will he leave his current girlfriend and we can try again? This is the line of thinking that NO BODY can even begin to understand if you haven’t been through it. “why didn’t you leave?” “how could you let someone do that to you?” If you haven’t been through it then don’t judge!!! Don’t you see that my daughter and I have PTSD and low self-esteem?  Why didn’t I leave? because I thought that if I stayed he would see how much I love him….because without the drugs life was good, because he was loving  and caring and we were a “normal”family….I’m not the woman that  fell in love and married him….but I’m trying and working on it daily….I’m out now so give me some credit for that….I still really fucked up in the head but eventually my daughter and I will be ok….

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