How to let go of anger????

Hi everyone, I’m new to the forum and I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to deal with everything now I’m the far side of an abusive relationship. I was with my boyfriend for a  short while when we decided to move to another country together.

I was a confident bubbly outgoing person who became a version of myself that I HATED. I hated how weak I had become, how I couldn’t protect myself, how was I putting up with this, how I was hiding the bad things he was doing in order to protect him, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the sadness inside me every single day. It started with a simple manipulation, which I didn’t recognize at 1st and then to the point that I was googling “is my boyfriend being manipulative” because I knew my something wasn’t right but I wasn’t sure if it was me just being crazy! (As he made me feel I was) I came across the phrase “gaslighting” … hit the nail on the head! The blatant lies, denying situations that HAD happened and making me feel like I was losing my mind, bullying, drug use and then physical violence. I had been pushed or shoved a few times, then he shoved me in to a mirror so hard that it smashed, shoved me to the ground with the palm of his to my face, pushed on to the metal frame of a bed, grabbed my arms hard enough to leave instant bruises, but I accepted this because “He never hit me”… I feel so stupid even writing this now. The worst came when we were staying in a hotel one night and he smashed up the tv and grabbed me by the throat and pushed me on to the bed. He grabbed me so hard that I had instant bruising on my neck and a black eye, but I stayed and I covered it up and the physical and physiological abuse continued until he had broken me into a version of myself who was so low, so alone.

We were living in a different country and so my close friends and family did not know the extent of what was going on. I finally decided enough when I felt absolutely nothing towards him anymore, I had nothing left inside me and moved back home so I could break up with him and have people to support me, which thankfully they have. But I can’t shake the feeling of anger, embarrassment, frustration, I want him to know how badly this has affected me because I really don’t think he knows!

I didn’t know how bad things really were until I spoke to a counselor and she confirmed that I was in an abusive relationship! I went to the counselor initially to confirm that I wasn’t overreacting or crazy! It’s been very hard to accept what has happened and I would love anybody’s advice on how to get rid of the anger I have inside and try to move on and not keep thinking about everything that has happened every single day!!

Thanks x

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