I’m ready are you?

Reality at 46

Long story short…

Been hit all my life. Dad and Mom used to hit me and brother, even in the face when I had braces as a kid.  He mentally and emotionally abused my Mom and us. Mom continually made excuses. Still does–marries 51 years.  He has never hit her tho.  But I strongly suspect he cheated. He’s very heavily addicted to open, so his view of women is only 1 way. He is very handsome even now at 75 and has many many beautiful women “friends” he treats better than my Mom. 🙁

I also grew up in a very small mountain town with 1 biological brother, and 11 boys who were neighbors. So I considered them my brothers….fishing, camping, hiking, army, skiing, shooting bb guns (usually it always ended up at me cause I was the only girl but trust me i held my own) my nickname was “Beast” before it was even popular.  I honestly thought if myself as the beast of the hunchback of Notre dame.

Didn’t have anyone in my corner except for a woman who allowed her husband to abuse her…

Every relationship I have ever been in has been abusive.  But I am trying to take my life back.

I met my soon to be ex-husband’s Mom and family when I was 17.  They became my closest friends.  Got into some legal trouble, ended up marrying a gang leader 16 years older than me from LA at 18.  Through a series of strange events he was released from prison “accidentally” and we went on the run.  Was homeles in countless places, ended up getting pregnant from him in Yuma AZ on the way to LAX to fly to Honolulu HI because “no one would find us there”

He was an IV heroin addict. Got me to try it a few times but quit on my own cause I knew I’d end up on the hoe stroll.  Parents had enough of me, so there I was in Hawaii, 6,000 miles away from home, pregnant, homeless, alone.

I found a job, an apartment, and he got caught.  One of his guards pastored a church and I ended up living with them, but only after discovering my roommate was a prostitute. 🙁

I think that’s part of my problem—I don’t judge anyone! And live in denial.

Anyway…..

Made enough money to make it back to where my parents lived, got my own apartment, had a healthy baby girl, got a job, and found another abuser.  This one stabbed me in the leg before I left.

Bought my own house at 23, tried to be picky, even joined a church only to find another abuser…

Left him, and ended up with my soon to bee ex husband of 15 years.

Remember I met his mom at 17, his family was my support system.  He was always violent, he tried to attack me 6 months into our relationship, and I physically picked him up and threw him off my porch.

Felt bad, allowed him to convince me I was the problem, and I had never fought back with any of my abusers before, so we got back together.

There were some good years, but it was when I was doing MMA/Cross fit training.

There were 5 years he couldn’t work because of an injury, but he was going to get his GED at 35, so I did what good wives are supposed to do, I held him down, no complaints, no second thoughts. 

He ended up getting a State job.  4 years into it he took a job at a prison for the mentally insane, even tho I knew he wasn’t cut out for it.

Sure enough, the night before we were to leave to Playa Del Carmen on a vacation to celebrate our wedding anniversary, he tried to choke me over a toothbrush.  Only reason he didn’t was because I had gotten my nails done and the were long.  He had me crouched up in the corner of my bed with my long nails in front of my face like a cat ready to scratch his eyes out.  Sad part, he didn’t snap out if it until he pushed his fave into my nails and one went into his eye.  I wanted to call the trip off, but I also wanted to go. So we went, he promised me that’s not who he was, never happened again, blah blah blah…

So July 3, 2017 he came home from working at the prison pissed off as usual, throwing things, complaining, demanding to know what I did all day (clean, cook, pay bills) and so I said I think I will go outside and give ya a few minutes to cool off.

Went and laid on the porch swing, my back towards him, my 2 shih tzus on my chest enjoying the summer sun.  He busts out the door, places his hands around my neck, but the dogs attacked him so he let go. I jumped up, tan I,to the house to grab my wallet and keys, and took off walking.

Instead of calling a girl friend, as I did so many times before, I called a guy I get up with and stay3d the night.  Didn’t let anything happen, bit felt so guilty I went home to my husband and told him I was sorry….

6 months later, he’s up to the same ol mental bs.  Project I,g his negative ways into me, and said I needed counseling and went.  I had been keeping a journal and on the first visit she advised me to make an escape plan.  3 weeks later he packed up and left, I changed the locks, and am leaving.

Not just because I don’t want to be choked, but because if he were try to put his hands on me again, I will defend my life to the fullest, and I will kill him.

And no one is worth my prison time.

A lot of my friends don’t believe me.  He’s a narcissist very handsome, kind, helpful, manipulative.

My Pastor and his wife don’t even believe me.  Don’t have time to give compassion to me,but preach how the rest of us should.

Learning how abused women are so looked down upon, and why they go back.

Not going back tho, even tho I feel lost, I sure as he’ll am not.  I am going to get out and have a healthy life.  No matter how much it hurts.

Keep your head up ladies! We are so much stronger than we believe 💙

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