Worthless

It all started January 12, 1999,… I was in a car accident, my dad’s girlfriend was taking me to school and the car slid into the guard rails of the bridge less than half a mile fro where we were living at the time,… I suffered a severe TBI & spent 4 weeks in a coma & a total of 5 months in  Children’s hospital of Buffalo,….. I turned 9 in the hospital and, back then, I believe everyone’s thinking was that once a brain was injured, it stopped developing so, I suffered through a few years of people believing I was mentally retarded on top of the deficits caused to my body (I learned to walk again with a slight limp within the first year after my accident). I began the fourth grade in the Fall of ’99 and, my self-esteem suffered because of my physical inability to keep up with the rest of the students my age. My father began physically & emotionally abusing me in January of 2000 but, it wasn’t until November of 2001 when he punched me and broke my jaw that Child Protective Services moved me in with my mother and brother. My father wasn’t charged with anything and, as a result, my self-esteem suffered. Throughout the next couple years, I began prostituting myself because my mother traveled for work and left me with my brother, who had become involved heavily with drugs &,….long story short, I felt safer spending nights on the streets than at home. We never had lunch money for school + mom only came home every couple months to buy food for our house so,… I never prostituted for money, it was always for food or a warm place to stay. In May of ’06, I was raped by 2 of my brothers drug buddies. Given my past lifestyle choices of prostitution, I was hesitant on deciding how to refer to that sexual episode but, 3 factors differed from the other men I’d been with, 1) I had begged them to stop, multiple times throughout their 3 hour ravaging of my body, 2) I was left with internal wounds that bled heavily for the next two weeks & 3)I got nothing in return. I alerted the police, I told my mother, I told one of my teachers but, no one filed a report or anything,…..leaving me to assume that all I was good for was beating & fucking,…Fast forward to the present, I receive SSI because of my injury and am only allowed to work 20 hours a week legally so, although I know it’s not right, I am constantly plagued with the thought of my unworthiness. That, coupled with my recurring nightmares of the rape and scenarios conceived by my conscious cause me much misery when I’m alone. IDK why I believe someone can help in any way but, I feel something can be altered in some way that can make me feel not so worthless,… I just gotta keep sharing my story and hope to God someone hears me

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